Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
