So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
there is puke in my bra ... again
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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