You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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