This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
