apparently the secret to your success is patron
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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