she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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