I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
