I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
