Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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