considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
