Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
