Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
