how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
