He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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