I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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