thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize