You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
