I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
