Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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