I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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