That's intense
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
