There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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