i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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