happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
