I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
