And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
