I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
