my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
