I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
