i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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