Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
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No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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