somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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