Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
