I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
