He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
