I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i think im in europe. pls send help
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
