I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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