Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
