Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
