Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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