Why does Corona taste like a burp?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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