I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
