shes about as inviting as chlamydia
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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