Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
