I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Say something about gay babies.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
