Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
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