I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
