I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
