and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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