On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
