The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
