i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
