That's intense
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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