my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
