i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
