It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
