I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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