After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
