yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
