LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
